i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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