Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am available for nakedness
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
