Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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