he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
