Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
