can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
