Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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