Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize