I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize