Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
