I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Blood and glitter go together right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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