The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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