they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
