if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
