I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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