She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
