you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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