I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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