he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
