So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
