We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize