You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
