If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
