6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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