I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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