did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
