The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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