I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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