i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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