Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
