So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My balls are so social today.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
