there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Boobs speak an international language.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
