I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
