I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
