Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
