There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
