this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Everclear isn't food dammit
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
