I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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