Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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