She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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