Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
