I think I won the penis lottery.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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