I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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