there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
