Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Are we still banned from the library?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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