does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
