how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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