We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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