I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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