My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
