Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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