I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
