I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
