so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
