Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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